hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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