I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
