I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
