I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
