I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize