All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
