She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
