words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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