Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
