I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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