i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize
