you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Randomize
