Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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