I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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