Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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