omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
