im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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