after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
