i already hear my dad disowning me
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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