Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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