Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
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