You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
