I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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