You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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