it wasn't lemon gatorade
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
