wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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