weddingsv make me drug and hornr
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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