she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
