I feel like abortions should bother me more
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
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