I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
