I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I cockslap morals
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize