I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Enjoy the penises
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
