when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Randomize
