I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
