White coat. Heels.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
