I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
