Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I want a musical about memes.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
