It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
