He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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