everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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