Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
