saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
