I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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