My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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