Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize