dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
