just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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