Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Drunk is not a location!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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