I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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