i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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