At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
