He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
