I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
