Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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