you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
