The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
